


The Heart of You

by 536



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Internal Monologue, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:54:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23323510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/536/pseuds/536
Summary: “I’m sorry for everything.”He was sure he had said those words to an empty room, a closed door.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 3
Kudos: 81





	The Heart of You

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from Dermot Kennedy's "Redemption." 
> 
> Comments are welcome. : )

“I’m sorry for everything.”

He was sure he had said those words to an empty room, a closed door. He was sure he was alone, and that he’d crouch in the kitchen until he was too tired, and eventually end up on his knees. He’d stay a long time—well past the time it’d take for the ringing in his ears to fade away—his body tired but his heart unaccepting of this outcome, unwilling to leave. Eventually, when it would get dark, he’d stand, lean on the counter, wipe at his cheeks and head to his bed. He knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep, despite how tired he’d be. His mind would torture him with memories. Memories from that kitchen; kisses, love confessions, Callum’s smile. Memories from this bed; hands through his hair, hands on his shoulders, stomach, hips, the look of Callum’s face as he came—moments he didn’t deserve to have again.

He was so sure, he thought he had imagined the light touch on his head. But when Callum’s hand cradled the back of his neck, he didn’t question it anymore. Didn’t ask what he had done to deserve anything more than being left alone, being left to comfort himself. He buried his head in Callum’s shoulder, breathing in the smell he’d already begun to miss. He held tight onto Callum’s coat, asking himself how he ever thought he could live alone knowing he pushed him away, pushed the one person who’d stayed patient with him away—

His thoughts stopped like the ringing in his head. Suddenly.

Callum had placed his palms firmly on his ears. It felt too much like an apology that Ben didn’t deserve, but he was too grateful to pull away.

It did get dark eventually, but he wasn’t alone the way he was sure he’d be. He didn’t have to lean on the counter when he had Callum to hold him up. He didn’t have to wipe his own tears away. He didn’t have to lay in bed awake all night. Instead, they laid together, facing each other, his face buried in Callum’s chest, feeling the steadiness of his heartbeat.

He couldn’t sleep through the night as he was awoken by his regrets and fears. He’d dream of screaming at Callum in the club, and he’d wake. He’d dream of Hugo’s face, and he’d wake. He’d dream of driving his car down the street with the base of the radio vibrating his seat, and he’d wake. And each time, he’d wake saying I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. He didn’t know what else to say that meant that he knew he was wrong, he knew he was being difficult, he knew he didn’t deserve this outcome—these warm arms, soft breath, steady heartbeat. And each time, Callum would wake up, stroke his hair, kiss his forehead, place the palm of his hand on his exposed ear. Each time, he’d go back to sleep.

He woke a last time to a sunlit room, Callum’s arms wrapped loosely around him, soft breaths brushing the top of his head. He was sure he should have been alone this morning, knew it was what he deserved. 

He was also sure of this. Every day ahead of him that he’d have with Callum would be a day that he’d earn, a day he’d be grateful for. Every kiss, every smile, every night they spend on the same bed, he’d cherish. He couldn’t push this man away, he knew what it felt like when Callum couldn’t push back anymore. He’d hold onto Callum for as long as he’d let him, even if he didn’t deserve it.

He wasn’t sure why, but Callum loved him, has told him more than once. He’s heard it twice, and he’s not sure if he’ll every hear those words from him again, but he’d learn to accept that, feel his love in different ways. There was so much more he was unsure about—his job, his dad, his hearing—but he could accept these uncertainties holding Callum’s firm hand along the way.

He loved Callum. Always had. He wasn’t sure how he managed to go this long without telling him. But he knew that when Callum eventually opened his eyes, he’d tell him. It would be the first thing he’d hear. And it’d be the last thing he’d hear that night, too. He would never let him question his feelings for him again. Callum would know that he loved him, every day, every night.

He pulled Callum closer to him, pressing his cheek to the steady beat of his heart. He’d never let go of him again.

He was sure.


End file.
